Some people say that the best pirate on the seven seas is Captain Jack Sparrow. Others talk of Pinkbeard who roams the Carribean in his ship The Rainbow looking for booty. Still others consider Cut-Throat Kate the evilest buccaneer to haunt the oceans.
All of them are wrong. For the best pirate that ever there was is Captain Rosie the Fearless. She’s the fastest, smartest, cutest privateer that ever swung a cutlass.
Her friends call her Rosie. Her crew call her Cap’n and her enemies call her “Please Don’t Chase Me.” Because her ship, the Sparkly Unicorn is the fastest ever to sail the seas and if Captain Rosie means to catch you, catch you she will.
Her first mate is Edward O’Sawrus. His friends call him Teddy and his enemies call him “Get off!”. He’s the roughest, toughest, cuddliest pirate that ever climbed a yard arm or spliced a main sail.
And then there’s Poop Deck Pops. The less said about him the better.
Captain Rosie sails the seven seas in the Sparkly Unicorn looking for treasure. She doesn’t keep it all for herself. If it’s got a name tag on it, she finds the original owner and gives it back to them.
I told you she’s the best, didn’t I?
Our story begins on a sunny day in the South Seas, somewhere west of the Purple Island, on the edge of the Barracuda Triangle.
“Ship ahoy!”
It was Teddy who did the shouting. He did a lot of it. He was up in the Fairy’s Nest (like a Crowsnest but with style) and pointing north.
“What does ahoy mean, Poopdeck Pops?” Rosie asked the old codger as he mopped.
“Ay?”
“I think you mean ‘aye'”
“Oh, aye. Ay?”
Rosie sighed. She liked having Poopdeck Pops around, but he was getting deaf and he was a bit of a twit at the best of times. “I said, what does ahoy mean?”
“Isn’t it the opposite of a girl, your ladyship?”
“Not ‘a boy’, AHOY!” Rosie bellowed. He really was getting sillier and sillier.
Pops leaned on his poop mop and thought for a moment. “I think it might be a type of badger.”
“They’re getting away!” Teddy called from above.
Rosie left the old man to his mopping and bellowed up the mast. “Can you see a flag?”
“Yes. It’s a skull and crossbones.”
“Maybe they’re pirates.”
“Shut up Pops. Of course they’re pirates.”
Teddy called down again. “Hold on. There’s something on the chin of the skull. Looks like a black triangle.”
Rosie slapped her hand to her mouth. “I know who that is! It’s Baldbeard. The dread pirate Kristoff! And where he goes, she goes.”
“Who goes?” asked Pops. He was all at sea. Obviously.
“Come on Pops. Everyone knows that everywhere the dread pirate Kristoff goes, he takes her with him.”
“Who her?”
Rosie sighed. “Don’t you ever listen to the stories in the taverns, Pops?”
“I never leaves the ship, your worship. Poop decking’s a fulltime job you know.”
Teddy had by now climbed down the main mast and was standing beside Captain Rosie waving his cutlass at the vanishing ship. “Are we going to follow, captain?”
“Yes. Lay in a course…no, not you Pops…warp factor eight!”
Teddy swung the wheel and the Sparkly Unicorn turned gracefully towards the receding ship. “Are you sure this is wise, captain.”
“Are you questionin’ my orders, Mr O’Sawrus?”
“Oh no. Not for a minute. Pops told me to ask you.”
“Is that right, Poopdeck Pops?”
“Ay?”
“It’s AYE!”
So who was this mysterious companion of Baldbeard (the dread pirate Kristoff)? Many legends tell of where she came from. Some claim she is the former queen of Cloud Cuckoo Land, others that she comes from over the rainbow. Wherever she was, she is here now.
And she is the famous
feared
fanatical
ferocious
absolutely fabulous
Fairy
McLary
“Ahoy there!” Teddy bellowed as the Sparkly Unicorn closed on its prey.
Captain Rosie called stood at the bow, with her spyglass in one hand and her cutlass in the other. “Captain Baldbeard!” she cried.
The sun glinted off a white head as the pirate swept off his hat and bowed. “Ah, I knewed it was you, Cap’n Rosie. No other ship would’ve caught me.”
“I see you have a new vessel,” Rosie called. “Last I heard you’d scrapped the Black Matilda.”
“Yeah. The mainbrace got spliced. Been through a few since then, but this one’s a keeper. It’s called Fanny Fiesta. Anyway. What do you want?”
“I want your gold, of course!”
“Well you can’t have it!”
“Why not? It’s not yours.”
“It is now!”
And the two pirates waved their cutlasses at each other.
The dread pirate Kristoff said, “What do we do now? I’ve forgotten.”
“Pops, what happens now?” Rosie asked.
“Ay?”
“Oh for heaven’s sake. Teddy, what do we do now?”
Teddy put down his sword for a moment and thought about it. “I think you’re supposed to insult each other.”
“Oh. Okay,” said Rosie. Then she turned to Baldbeard. “Um. Oh, I know. This is a good one. I fart in your general direction. No, that’s no good. Unicorn farts smell of strawberries.”
“How about this,” Teddy said. “Your father was a hamster and your mother smelled of elderberries!”
“Look, can we get on with it?” Pops said. He put down his mop and pulled a cutlass out of his trousers. “It’s time for a cup of tea and a sit down.”
“Yeah, we’d better get on with it,” Baldbeard said. “If we don’t hurry up, she’ll wake up from her afternoon nap and we’ll all be in trouble.”
“Okay, okay,” Rosie said with another sigh. “But I can’t help thinking we’re going about this all wrong. This isn’t like the stories at all. I mean, I can’t even see a plank! What sort of pirate ship are you?”
Teddy raised his cutlass and roared. “Are we ready, Captain Rosie?”
“We’re ready. Charge!”
Tra la la la!
“Oh no,” Baldbeard groaned. “We’re too late. You shouldn’t have bothered with the farting in my general direction. Now we’re all going to regret it.”
Teddy put his cutlass down. “Why? What’s going to happen?”
“Fairy McLary is going to sing at us.”
The dread pirate Kristoff stuffed his fingers in his ears.
The fearless pirate Rosie stuffed her fingers in her ears.
The tough pirate Teddy stuffed his fingers in his ears.
Poopdeck Pops said, “Ay?”
Hark to me, all pirates here,
For I shall soon be singing,
Take your fingers from your ears,
For they shall soon be ringing.
Tra la la la, for I am merry
Fol de rol, for I am scary
Surrender to your adversary
The very hairy Fairy McLary.
And the wind blew and the sea whooshed and the timbers shivered as the dread pirate Kristoff took out his fingers and called to his crew. “Now, my fine fellows, we shall take the Sparkly Unicorn for our own and we shall have the fastest ship on the Seven Seas.”
The crew gathered at the stern and made ready to jump. A more dastardly collection of scurvy wretches you could never wish not to meet.
But Cap’n Rosie called out. “Come on, Unicorns, we’ll see them off.” As long as Fairy McLary doesn’t start singing again, she thought.
And so the two crews faced off. Teddy O’Sawrus stood beside brave Cap’n Rosie, swinging his cutlass through the air and daring any of the enemy pirates to attack them. And Poopdeck Pops waved his mop and shook his fist and made rude signs just to wind them up. The rest of the crew gathered round and they shouted insults at the pirates of the Fanny Fiesta.
“Bottoms!”
“Winkles!”
“Smelly pumps!”
“You’re as wrinkly as a walrus!”
“Don’t you mean a walnut?”
“Are walnuts wrinkly?”
“I dunno, I’ve never seen one.”
Tra la la la!
Oh dear. The pirate Fairy McLary was going to sing again. The dread pirate Kristoff’s crew had put ear defenders on, and Cap’n Rosie knew that as soon as McLary started singing, they would jump aboard and her crew wouldn’t be able to fight back.
She had to think quickly.
“Can’t we sail away, quickly?” Teddy asked.
“We can’t go thataway,” Poopdeck Pops said, pointing. “That’s the Barracuda Triangle, ships go missing what go in there. I’ve heard about whirlpools and tornados and whales and monsters. Don’t go that way!”
“That gives me an idea,” Rosie said. She was a smart one and no mistake.
She cupped her hands around her mouth so she could be heard above the tra la la-ing.
“Pirate Fairy McLary!”
“Who is it that interrupts my performance?”
“I am Captain Rosie the Fearless!”
“Well, Captain Rosie the Fearless, what do you want? I wish to sing and nothing you can say will stop me!”
Rosie smiled. Anyone who knew her would have recognised that smile and would have made themselves very small.
“Oh, I don’t want to stop you. I want you to sing louder!”
“Louder?”
“Yes, your voice is so beautiful that I can’t get enough of it!”
“Then I shall grant your wish. Tra la…”
Rosie put her hand up.
“What is it now, Captain Rosie?”
“Do you sing requests?”
Fairy McLary paused for a moment and ran her fingers through her long curly locks as she considered this. No one had ever asked her to sing before. Most people asked her not to. “Perhaps. Which song?”
“Oh it’s brilliant. I’ll sing the chorus and then you can carry on. Here,” she said, fumbling in her bandana, “it’s in this song book. But you have to sing it really loud. Are you ready?”
“I’m always ready for a song!” Fairy McLary declared as Pops handed over the song book. “Begin then.”
“It goes like this,” Rosie said.
Awimbaway, awimbaway, awimbaway, awimbaway.
“What sort of a song is that? The words don’t even make sense!”
“Give it a try,” Rosie said. “I’ll start.”
And so she sang it. As she sang, she began to swing her pants and, one by one, her crew began to swing their pants. Pops tried to swing his pants but they fell down, so he had to settle for swaying a bit.
The dread pirate Kristoff began to swing his pants as Rosie sang and then his crew started swinging too. In the end, everyone was swinging except Fairy McLary who was holding her legs together desperately.
“I’ve got it,” she said. Well, if this pirate Rosie could have everyone swinging their pants, what effect could she, Fairy McLary, have? She was the greatest pirate singer that ever there was, after all.
“You sing that, and I’ll sing the melody,” she called.
So Rosie, Teddy and the crew (not Pops, no one wanted to hear Poopdeck Pops sing) began singing.
Awimbaway, awimbaway, awimbaway, awimbaway.
And Fairy McLary sang.
A-ooo, ooo ooo ooo ooo, um bum baway.
Teddy nudged Rosie. “She said bum!”
“Keep singing!” Rosie said.
Then, as they sang awimbaway and pants were swinging left, right and centre, she called out to Fairy McLary. “Now the chorus!”
Fairy McLary looked down at the book and sang.
In the ocean, the restless ocean, the kraken rises today.
In the ocean, the restless ocean, the kraken rises today.
A-ooo, ooo ooo ooo ooo, um bum baway.
Teddy sniggered as they all swung their pants and sang along.
Then there was the sound of a million bathplugs being pulled. A slurping, roaring, bubbling noise as if something was coming out of the deepest depths of the ocean.
Because something WAS coming.
There, as Fairy McLary sang on, rose the hideous green head and bulbous red eyes of the kraken. The sea swarmed with tentacles and it roared in fury as it closed in on the Fanny Fiesta.
The crews stopped swinging and began screaming. But Rosie simply nudged Teddy and said, “Put the Sparkly Unicorn in reverse.” Teddy smiled and the ship slowly moved away.
But Fairy McLary carried on singing. She loved the song so much that even when the dread pirate Kristoff tried to make her stop, she would not.
So, he called out to the crew — who couldn’t hear him because they had ear defenders on — then he grabbed the wheel and desperately tried to turn the ship around. But the kraken closed in on them as Fairy McLary sang on.
In the ocean, the restless ocean, the kraken rises today.
A-ooo, ooo ooo ooo ooo, um bum baway.
And the kraken followed them.
And so that was how pirate Rosie the Fearless outwitted the cunning and dangerous dread pirate Kristoff and the beautiful and beguiling pirate Fairy McLary.
Soon, they were back in calmer waters. Teddy was still laughing about a song with the word bum in it. Pops was back to mopping the poop deck — poop decks take a lot of cleaning. And Rosie stood at the helm and sang the kraken song to herself. Quietly.
What happened to the dread pirate Kristoff and his fair, but loud, maiden? Did they escape the kraken? Well, what do you think?